You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
