You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
