Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
