you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
