my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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