So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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