my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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