I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
