it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
