Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
