True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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