How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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