Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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