i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
