I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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