my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
