I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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