Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
