I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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