I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
