Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
