I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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