cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
