I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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