I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
