Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
