nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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