Im at strip club and am horny
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
