apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
