i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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