just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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