My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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