i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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