I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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