So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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