That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
