You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
