Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
this must be what syphilis tastes like
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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