Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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