Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
