Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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