I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
