I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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