I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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