are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
