He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
