they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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