he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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