For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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