watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
